Xmas Job Opening
Posting Date: 3-December-2014
Job Opening/Closing Date: 23-Dec-2014
Job No. HOHOHO-12/25
The North Pole Inc., LLC, LP dba as Xmas Holidays Forever
Pay Rate: $18.50/Hr plus night shift differential
Filing deadline: 20-December-2014
Selected candidate must be available for national and international travel. Qualified candidate must be able to work both holidays and nights, at least one day per calendar year. Candidate must be physically fit and able to lift heavy packages over his/her shoulder. Candidate must possess a US Department Of Transportation and Canadian Federal Commercial Vehicle Rules approved sleigh to perform work assignment; as well sleigh must comply with Rules of all visited nations. Must be able to clear customs and immigration in 206 sovereign states, and have work visa where necessary and all flight plans filed with appropriate Aviation Agencies prior to December 25th each calendar year. This position requires a highly self-motivated personality.
Make list and check it twice. Identify and deliver proper packages to proper recipients by way of reindeer-powered, airborne supersonic sleigh. Supervise hundreds of unruly elves and gnomes in the production of requested items. Ability to manage cooperative work environment with elves, 8 or 9 reindeer, and gnome collective bargaining unit. Ability maintain holiday spirit while dispersing various items, even when faced with freezing cold, turbulent weather and physical demands of riding supersonic reindeer sleigh over 25,000 miles to accommodate a little over 7 billion people in a 16 hour work day. While there is a shift differential pay increase in appropriate time zones, there is neither overtime pay at this position, nor holiday pay nor time off pay. During delivery time, bathroom breaks are highly discouraged and may be taken only in extremis.
Skill in determining who's naughty and nice, sleeping or awake, bad or good, for goodness sake! Those determinations must be made according to standards set forth in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) / Edition 4.
Skill to establish cooperative working relationships with elves and gnomes. Knowledge of proper diet and training required for flying reindeer. Ability to consume approximately 1 billion cups of lukewarm coca and/or milk and similar amounts of potentially stale, leftover cookies. Skill in deciphering correspondence written in crayon. Ability to quickly maneuver down chimneys or other available means of ingress/egress while "ho, ho, hoing" and simultaneously shaking belly. Fluent in Gnome, Elf and Reindeer languages a must.
Heavy, white facial growth and rosy red cheeks. Approximate desirable height 6'. Approximate desirable weight 276 pounds. Pipe smoker given preference.
The candidate's sleigh must be capable of achieving speeds of approximately 5,083,000 mph in order to deliver Xmas packages in timely manner. And therefore sleigh must meet all the following
• Part Number: 1910
• Part Title: Occupational Safety and Health Standards
• Subpart: Z
• Subpart Title: Toxic and Hazardous Substances
• Standard Number: 1910.1001
Title 49 › Subtitle B › Chapter V › Part 563 › Section 563.7
Amendment published at 76 FR 47486, Aug. 5, 2011.
(a) Data elements required for all vehicles. Each vehicle equipped with an EDR must record all of the data elements listed in Table I, during the interval/time and at the sample rate specified in that table. Q.V. http://www.law.cornell.edu/cfr/text/49/563.7
Nondiscrimination and Affirmative Action Policy Statement for The North Pole Inc., LLC, LP dba as Xmas Holiday Regarding Employment Practices (June 24, 2010)
The North Pole, Incorporated, LLC, LP prohibits discrimination against or harassment of any person employed by or seeking employment with the North Pole on the basis of gnome, troll, wight, race, color, national origin, religion, sex, gender identity, pregnancy, physical or mental disability, medical condition (cancer-related or genetic characteristics), genetic information (including family medical history), ancestry, marital status, age, sexual orientation, citizenship, or service in the uniformed services (as defined by the Uniformed Services Employment and Reemployment Rights Act of 1994).
North Pole, Incorporated, LLC, LP policy also prohibits retaliation against any employee or person seeking employment for bringing a complaint of discrimination or harassment pursuant to this policy. This policy also prohibits retaliation against a person who assists someone with a complaint of discrimination or harassment, or participates in any manner in an investigation or resolution of a complaint of discrimination or harassment. Retaliation includes threats, intimidation, reprisals, and/or adverse actions related to employment.
The North Pole, Incorporated, LLC, LP is an affirmative action/equal opportunity employer. The North Pole, Incorporated, LLC, LP undertakes affirmative action to assure equal employment opportunity for minorities and women, for persons with disabilities, and for covered veterans.
Practical Skills Test
A Practical Skills Test will be required of all position candidates. All Candidates must pass within the 70% percentile.
Typing proficiency of at least 40 WPM.
Knowledge of and proficiency in filing: United States Post Office Customs Forms: PS Form 2976 or PS Form 2976-A (in triplicate)
A doctor's letter stating that applicant is in good health and able to travel (quickly).
Ability to demonstrate proficiency in the following Canadian "Transport Canada" requirements:
Flight test standards guides
TP13984 Flight test guide – Ultra-Light Aeroplane
TP15031 Flight test guide – Powered para-glider